Friday, February 12, 2010

Where are we at?

Ok so a couple of posts ago, I was saying I wanted to know exactly what God wanted me to do, where did he want me to go? I put it out there so people could see what is going on in my life, to be transparent. Here is where we are at.

The personal family life left the planet for quite a bit, taking my mind with it. Nothing is completely resolved, and some of it is totally out of my control, which completely terrifies me. But I think the answer is to keep going, keep trusting and know that the Father is completely in control. I have decided to try not to panic, not to freak out, to trust completely. Harder than it sounds, so much harder. Like grinding my bones in a wheat mill hard. Part of this is to refrain from judgement. I pride myself on not being judgemental (good one hey?) and then discover that the people I care most about receive a good lashing of judgement from me. Hmmmmm. I am trying to deal with this, not sure that I am that successful though..

The other thing that has happened is that I started aged care certificate III in January. I am going to work with people who are elderly and frail, lonely, grumpy, sad, mad, and trapped in a body that no longer does what it should for them. I have no assumptions that it will be easy, actually my mum has told me every story that could ever make your toes curl or bring your dinner up for a repeat performance. The trainers in the course are not sparing us either and we have done scenario's that echo real life (well done ladies!). I am sure there will be things that make us go Woah! but for the most part we know what we are getting ourselves into (I think...)

So this job will get me out into the community caring for people (which is what my heart wants to do) and will give me an interest outside of the four walls of my house, and has already given me so many opportunities. What God does with it now is up to Him, I will do this for a while and see how the dust settles in other aspects of my life. People have said I could do my Enrolled nursing, and on the outside of my brain I play with the idea of Registered Nursing, but I don't know. One thing at a time I think.

So that is a positive area for me at the moment, and I have kept the house in some kind of semblance of order, and even organised time by myself (right now actually) without having to do too much to get it to happen. Not that the importance of those two things individually is great, just means that I am more organised and relaxed and that is good.

I am challenged with my behaviour and perspective I present while meeting other people and wonder if it is all it should be? What lasting impression am I leaving? How do I touch other people's lives, do I demonstrate the Love of God while doing it? Do I whinge? Do I make it harder than it should be, do I give correct advice? Should I really give any advice? Does Christ shine out of me? In all honesty for some of these questions the answer is yes, and then is followed by a but.... some of these i am sad to say may be no. For me that is sad, and it makes me want to hide at home and never go out again. How do I get myself to this spot? How do I not turn it into self flaggilation that will chain me to a position of hopelessness and uselessness? How do we move onwards? The only answer is to keep going, I will do it better today, I will try harder tomorrow, and with the help of God I might get close to succeding. Maybe people will see a hypocrite, and as if there aren't enough of us around already, hopefully God can show a person who does not think that she is perfect, and is not perfect, but that God can still use. The holiness and perfectness of God, I believe, can take the most disasterous situation and use it for His Glory. Although my behaviour does not lean toward the disasterous, it certainly doesn't always reflect the heart of God. The other thing I have to remember is that God uses the normal, and the sinner, and the imperfect. The Bible is full of people who were not perfect (far from it) and God used them to Glorify Himself and to help us to know that we can be loved completely. Examples are Moses, David, Peter, The entire nation of Israel (several times). David had his friend killed in battle because he had an affair with the guys wife, and then married her. The bible notes also that "David was a man after God's own heart". Not that his behaviour was right, but that his heart yearned to serve God despite his fleshly failings.

I have to remember not to apply my own level of perfection to the rest of the world. It is unfair, and takes me closer to being a pharisee than I would like, and yet I do it unconciously, and see my behaviour for what it is after the fact. I apply assumptions and my own fears to people, and that is unfair. When something gets too hard I want to run, hard and fast, as far as I can, and yet the greatest satisfaction is gained by pushing through to the end, enduring and going to the last step.

So the journey continues, depression and anxiety goad from the sidelines, fear grief and shame all tag along and jeer from behind. But hope, love, laughter, peace, joy and contentment beckon in front of me, encourage me to take the next step, and Yeshua jogs beside me, sometimes silent, sometimes He holds my hand, sometimes words of encouragement are spoken, sometimes joy bursts forth like a miracle in the depth of my dispair. Sometimes I turn and don't see Him, but he is there (probably on my other left, as Ash would say :) ). I run, walk, jog, and crawl the race, but I will do it to the finish line, and He is my coach, and my friend. It isn't easy, but God never promised us a limosine and a cruise to the Bahamas, and so much is gained by going the hard miles, I don't think I want to miss out on that....

1 comment:

Naomi said...

You are an inspiration, and can amazingly put into words how most of us probably actually feel. Keep going girl, you are a champion.