Monday, April 11, 2011

Dear Life

Dear Life, Today I can't keep up with you, I was struggling yesterday too. There are lots of things I have to get done, and I am barely scraping through. There are too many forms for school, I lose them and forget them and get them in late, the world hasn't ended but I am so tired of all the paper and thinking i have got them all back to discover I have more outstanding.... There is so much noise that people call life and enjoyment, it makes my head hurt. Two people talking and a pot boiling on the stove and then I have to keep track of making tea and what was I doing? I can't follow the conversation with the background noise, and when I concentrate really hard I can follow it, but feel like I need a 2 hour sleep afterwards.. I have washing and ironing to do and I have to get boys ready for school, meals to make and a house to keep clean, a job to go to and a husband to care for. There are pets to feed and family to see, phone calls to take and places to go. Practice and lessons and school drop off and pick up, emails to reply to, questions to answer and conversation to make. Normal everyday stuff, and some people really love it, and sometimes I do too. Today I don't, today is too much, today I am in overload. Today I dream of a cave where no one else is. I don't want to talk today, I don't want to go to the doctor, or get a second opinion. I don't want to deal with your stuff, hell I don't even want to deal with my stuff! Don't ask me how I am, I will lie. Its a pathalogical thing with me, can't tell you the truth, I don't want to explain the unexplainable. Today is hard, and I don't want your ideas about how to fix it. Spiritual music has been playing all day but doesn't cut it. Praying has been going on for about the same time and the place where God is, is very very quiet (which in this state is a bit nice, could I handle too much noise from there??). My bed is very very inviting right now. Depression is a black hole and I have fallen in. I know that if I wait I will feel better it might take a while, in the mean time, please excuse me. My emotions are all up and down, really I am trying very hard, it probably doesn't look like it. It feels like I could be the biggest attention seeker the world has ever known. Please excuse me, but your advice is like sandpaper, and honestly it will take till tomorrow for me to process what you have told me. Please don't judge, please don't ask, just be my friend, it will get better I know, it just isn't right now. So Dear Life, If it is at all possible could you please slow down? I don't really know how to simplify any more, and I can't keep up. Maybe you could call past in a month or two, I may have caught up by then. If not once I come up again to breathe, I might be able to swim by and keep in the current, until then I will sit in the shallows. yours exhaustedly Dini

1 comment:

PureJeanius said...

Hi, I stumbled across your blog post. I can relate to alot of what your saying, but here is a website a friend helped set up & I find it a good 'blow off valve' & also helps me feel not so alone - mindshare.org.au
All the best : )